Just when things start coming together...

Finally another year older and thankfully much wiser.  This past year has definitely been one serious spiritual journey for me.  I have gained so much in knowledge, friendships, family, business yet lost so many valuable 'things'.  Kita was taken from me, way too soon but then again probably at the correct time.  I also lost a dear friend and not to death.  It really sucks having someone retreat after growing so close.  This has left me to ponder so many aspects of him, why, how, what....strangely this would be the exact person I would normally ponder these things with.  Hahahaha.

So instead I'll blog about it!  I had a discussion with a mutual friend a while ago about the whole falling out bit and she said to me "That guy?  OMG he has NO soul, like seriously have you looked into his eyes?  They're dead".  Now this was quite an eye opener.  The last while, this is exactly who my friend has been, soulless.  No depth, no feeling, none of all the amazing things I've been shown for the past year.  Kind of a Jekyll & Hyde thing.  How sad is it not, that THAT is how you project yourself to the world.  I mentioned this to another mutual friend and they also agreed.  Isn't it strange that someone can have these 2 complete polar sides to themselves?  One side, giving, caring, sweet, loving, amazing, kind....everything good you can say about someone.  And the other described at soulless?  I find it heartbreaking.  It is true though and you can see it in the eyes.  Why though?  Some form of defence?  Shit you're getting too close, bam, walls up!

It is so strange to experience!  For me it's kind of a big deal, when I love, be it platonic or romantic, I truly love.  I don't see the point of holding back, of playing games, of not speaking my mind.  People always know where they stand with me.  I'll tell you straight when you're being an asshole but I'll also be the one standing in your corner cheering you on every step of the way.  Maybe it has to do with being an empath or freaking indigo.  Who knows, the crazy dreams, deja vu and spot on intuition is enough to scare the living crap out of most.  But here I am trying to figure out, fix, help, guide and love.  Someone once said to me "You'll continue to feel out of whack unless you start living your life according to who you are!  Who are you Lili?  What makes you, you?"  That got me thinking, and today I can honestly say love makes me me.  It's the driving force behind everything, it's the emotion I feel the most, it's the thing I want to give most.  Like one of those Meme's "Just let me love you!!!!"  Hehehe this is quite apparent if you look at my diverse range of friends.  They would never hang out if it wasn't for me and the only time they all get together is for my birthday.  That's 20 odd people, say more or less 4 groups of 5.  Then you look at them and their friends and they're all just one little group.  To say I'm blessed to have so many amazing people in my life is an understatement, they're all amazing!

 So it really hurts to lose someone you care about so much.  I can only hope that he will find his light and live it.  It must suck going through life not giving a damn about anyone and only caring about things.  The house, the car, the travels, the expensive clothes.  We all know that yes it's nice to have but none of that will fulfil you.  It's not really what you do hey, it's who you do it with. 
I will however keep on defending the real him, the me he showed and proved himself to be albeit only to me.  And will continue to say "This isn't you..."  For you might not believe in yourself, but I do.  What I see is never wrong and I saw the beauty of your soul.

Worth

I've spent the past 5 years trying to better myself and to finally be able to look in the mirror and say I'm worthy of sooooo much more.

It's been going well but for some reason, when faced with what I really want the doubts start creeping up.  I watched a TED talk the other day about connection, worth and vulnerability.    The lady made some pretty profound statements.  How people can't connect to those around them unless they're willing to be vulnerable.  How vulnerable people have a much stronger sense of self worth than those who put up walls.

Why do we feel unworthy?  Why do we have these little demons sitting our shoulders saying every horrible thing you can imagine?  Why would we never say this to our best friends but we say this to ourselves even if we know we're being irrational?

There are so many spiritual connotations to this.  You receive what you put into the world.  Your affirmation will build you up.  Truly believing will manifest things you couldn't imagine possible.

The more  think about this the more I realise that you reach a point in your life that it's now or never.  You either have to believe in yourself or bugger off.  You need to face the fear, embrace it and still jump!  That sometimes you won't see the ground but being stationary is no life.  So you have to close your eyes, take a deep breath and just let go.  Most of all you need to stay true to yourself.  You have to live who you are.  Pretending and denying will get you nowhere. 

So what is your truth today?  Are you ready to live it?  Are you ready to get what you want?  Do you live as though you're going to get what you want?  Or do you live in fear where each move is calculated decision?

If you can't envision it, how do you expect the universe to?

Distorted views

I have a guy friend who is very close to my heart.  We can and do spend hours chatting about everything under the sun.  He's smart, attractive, sweet, friendly, outgoing and just awesome all round BUT he has two horrible flaws.  The first:  He is incapable of seeing what he deserves.  The second: His ego.

Why the first one is such a tragic flaw is quite obvious.  He'll happily shack up with a woman who treats him like shit because of his second flaw, his ego and the fact that the woman looks good on his arm.  He prevents himself from being with a woman who can offer more than good looks.  We spoke today about the latest lady and he told me that he likes the feeling of being awesome a woman's eyes.

My only response was, is she awesome in yours?  He answered no.

Relationships go two ways.  You want to be with someone who you adore, who makes you a better person.  Someone you can look up to and respect for who they are and the things they do.  You also want to be with someone who looks up to and respects you, because it makes you feel good being admired and wanted.  However you can't have just one of these, the relationship won't work.  You don't love someone because they love you.  You love someone because of who they are.

Thing is, this is a pattern amongst the majority of people I know.  For some reason they can't see their own value and worth.  They'll settle for less because deep down they don't believe that they deserve better.  Which astounds me because to me they're amazing.

I often wish people could see themselves through my eyes.  Even if just for a moment.

Anyways enough contemplating about what goes on in other people's minds! 

Leesi is doing fantastic and is learning soooo quickly!  This week she managed to stay in a highly distracting environment.  She kept her focus on me.  She learned to target, walk on her back legs and she FINALLY gets recall!!  Not bad for 1 doggy class :p

I ordered her a new harness from Le Pawtique on Wednesday last week and they delivered by Friday morning.  I've ordered from them before and their service really is outstanding!

So here's the cutie rocking her new harness:

I wish it was just a little bit bigger BUT if I went one size up it would have been too big. 

I've also decided that I'm going to test he for a therapy dog in September.  She'll be great at this as she loves all people!!!  Before then though we really have to hunker down on training.  She needs to build more focus on me in distracting environments as well as heel (which she currently can't do).   Even if we don't pass this is an awesome goal to work towards.  Besides it means more time spent together and that is just awesome!

Wish us luck!

Khaleesi my little queen

After Kita passed away in December the house was super empty.  I'd hear her at night , during the day, I saw her walking around the house and it broke my heart.  In April I started actively looking to adopt a dog after dreaming about this little non de-script brown dog who would sleep in my bed for about two weeks.
So I scoured FB and came across this little foxy boy at an SPCA 90 minutes from my house.  He looked exactly like Kita!  So off we went to the SPCA to have a look at him.  Sadly we didn't click and I wanted to go home after meeting him.  My friend convinced me to look around, so we walked down the rows greeting the doggies and I was fine the whole time, until I got to G4.  I bent down to greet this scared little girl and the moment I touched her, I KNEW she was the dog from my dreams.  I burst into tears!

When I met her at the SPCA

Needless to say the little 'funny' came home with me!  On our way home she threw up on me 5 times (she still gets car sick).  I dropped her off and then went to go buy her food since I had nothing in the house, it was a bit unexpected (thought I'd go back to fetch her, not get her the same day!!!).  I got home and asked my mom where she was and found her curled up in Kita's old bed next to mine.  She was exhausted poor pup.  That night while I watched TV and every night following for the next week she slept on my chest, curled up under a blanket and being cuddled.  Think she was so happy to finally have her human that she didn't want to let me go.  She also cried when I had to leave for work in the morning :(

 First day home

That was almost three months ago!!!  Needless to say she went from subdued and submissive to outgoing, friendly, confident and being an absolute clown!! Hehehehe

If asked she would say:  "I love chasing, catching and tormenting those bloody pigeons who come into our yard.  Every flower my gran plants, I unplant cuz it shouldn't be there.  I love my other doggies friends, especially Zoe and Sali.  At school I have a boyfriend, his name is Benji and he's also a rescue mutt, even though he's really big and I have to stand on my back legs to reach his face I LOVE giving him kisses!  My teacher says I'm super smart, Momma agrees but sometimes I ignore her because I'm smelling things and frankly that's much more interesting than what she is.  My granny's lap was made for me to sleep on.  Destroying expensive toys is my 3rd favourite thing to do, especially Kong balls.  I don't like doggy treats or biscuits but I LOVE my Acana food and human food, especially biltong.  Although there's nothing better on earth than sleeping in the bed with mom, or just sleeping in general under the covers cuz it's fweezing outside!!!"

So here's to my pup!  One of the best things that have ever happened to me, my Leesi!

What a ride!

I've had a couple of blogs but things have changed so drastically in my life, I don't feel like they apply any more. 

Apart from adopting a 6 month old doggy from the SPCA, the most dramatic change in my life has been because of my Dad.  He's always been my rock, when I say I love him fiercely I'm not aggregating.  My Dad is the type of guy who is always there for everyone.  He works his butt off though and his mentality has always been "My body will do what I tell it to do" .  Well the wake up call came one Wednesday afternoon.

Before this happened though I had this nagging feeling that something bas was going to happen to my dad and one of our companies.  It nagged at me for over a month, eventually I dissuaded myself that something was going to happen and just got on with things.  Quickly learned though that I need to trust my gut, my instincts can be quite phenomenal to say the least and I've finally started listening.

On that fateful Wednesday I was in the office working when my brother walked past my office into my step mom's office and I just heard I say 'emergency'.   The next moment they fly past me and are gone.  Luckily she got her wits about me and called me when they got in the car and told me to meet them at the hospital something was wrong with my Dad.  Obviously first thought is heart attack, he works like someone possessed.  Get there and they won't let me see him.  My step mom finally comes out and tells me he's ok and it's not his heart but they don't know what it is.  They eventually decide it's an ulcer and discharge him.  On Thursday I stayed home with him at his house.  On Friday after even more pain and suffering my step mom loads him in the car and takes him back to the ER.  Luckily this time a doctor who really cares is on duty and sends him for blood work, gastroscopy's etc.  Finally he says CAT scan.  On the CAT scan they see that his main artery that supplies his bowel isn't right so off he goes for an angio gram.

Before he went in I went there from work (someone had to hold the fort).  As I walk in my step mom bursts into tears and walks out.  So I'm kinda freaking out at this point and go over to my Dad.  He is on the verge of tears and I ask him if he's ok, he starts crying and telling me how scared he is.  At that point I drew in what I could, put my big girl panties on and became the strong one.  I reassured him, then my stepmom and walked with him into surgery.  To make a VERY long story short he had a 6cm blood clot and was taken into ICU.  Furthermore he has a dissected artery I think it's called.  Basically the blood flows in the walls of the artery as well as the middle.  As this has been left for so long a by pass is out of the question..his intestines WILL die because they've found alternative resources from the alternate blood flows around the artery.

He went to the doctor on Monday and the doctor basically said to him, you're dead if you and dead if you don't.  You need blood thinners but at some point your artery will rupture and there's nothing we can do about it.

So how do you face the mortality of your father?  How do you face each day knowing that today can and might be his last?  He discharged himself from ICU after 4 days and a week later he's back at work full time.  I said to him today that it breaks my heart.  He needs rest!!  His body has gone through such an ordeal that it needs to heal!  I want him there to walk me down the aisle.  I want him to know my kids and my kids to know him!!  I don't want to tell them about this amazing man who isn't around any more just because he was too stubborn to go to the doctor 10 years ago.  I don't want to show them pictures and tell them stories.  I want them to KNOW him.

Fact is though the prognosis is not good.  At some point I'm going to have to say goodbye to my father....the idea of it kills me.  I wish I could just hold his hand and 'show' him everything I'm feeling.  So that he will know just how much I love and respect him.  So that he will know how much he means to me.  That the thought of losing him breaks my heart into a million pieces.  All I can do is cry while driving home after seeing him in so much pain.  All I can do is do the best for this company he has worked so hard to create.  All I can do is put on a brave face and tell him he's going to be ok.  All I can do is hide this sorrow and nagging feeling that the end is close by.  That this 'scare' is basically just a short reprieve to let us know that time is short and to make the most of it.  His day is coming and I feel it in the fibre of my being, just like I knew something was going to happen.  Just like I dreamt of my new dog every night for 2 weeks before I even know she existed. 

I hope that when it comes I will be able to pick myself up and do what needs to be done.  I hope that it won't break me like I'm expecting it too.