What a ride!

I've had a couple of blogs but things have changed so drastically in my life, I don't feel like they apply any more. 

Apart from adopting a 6 month old doggy from the SPCA, the most dramatic change in my life has been because of my Dad.  He's always been my rock, when I say I love him fiercely I'm not aggregating.  My Dad is the type of guy who is always there for everyone.  He works his butt off though and his mentality has always been "My body will do what I tell it to do" .  Well the wake up call came one Wednesday afternoon.

Before this happened though I had this nagging feeling that something bas was going to happen to my dad and one of our companies.  It nagged at me for over a month, eventually I dissuaded myself that something was going to happen and just got on with things.  Quickly learned though that I need to trust my gut, my instincts can be quite phenomenal to say the least and I've finally started listening.

On that fateful Wednesday I was in the office working when my brother walked past my office into my step mom's office and I just heard I say 'emergency'.   The next moment they fly past me and are gone.  Luckily she got her wits about me and called me when they got in the car and told me to meet them at the hospital something was wrong with my Dad.  Obviously first thought is heart attack, he works like someone possessed.  Get there and they won't let me see him.  My step mom finally comes out and tells me he's ok and it's not his heart but they don't know what it is.  They eventually decide it's an ulcer and discharge him.  On Thursday I stayed home with him at his house.  On Friday after even more pain and suffering my step mom loads him in the car and takes him back to the ER.  Luckily this time a doctor who really cares is on duty and sends him for blood work, gastroscopy's etc.  Finally he says CAT scan.  On the CAT scan they see that his main artery that supplies his bowel isn't right so off he goes for an angio gram.

Before he went in I went there from work (someone had to hold the fort).  As I walk in my step mom bursts into tears and walks out.  So I'm kinda freaking out at this point and go over to my Dad.  He is on the verge of tears and I ask him if he's ok, he starts crying and telling me how scared he is.  At that point I drew in what I could, put my big girl panties on and became the strong one.  I reassured him, then my stepmom and walked with him into surgery.  To make a VERY long story short he had a 6cm blood clot and was taken into ICU.  Furthermore he has a dissected artery I think it's called.  Basically the blood flows in the walls of the artery as well as the middle.  As this has been left for so long a by pass is out of the question..his intestines WILL die because they've found alternative resources from the alternate blood flows around the artery.

He went to the doctor on Monday and the doctor basically said to him, you're dead if you and dead if you don't.  You need blood thinners but at some point your artery will rupture and there's nothing we can do about it.

So how do you face the mortality of your father?  How do you face each day knowing that today can and might be his last?  He discharged himself from ICU after 4 days and a week later he's back at work full time.  I said to him today that it breaks my heart.  He needs rest!!  His body has gone through such an ordeal that it needs to heal!  I want him there to walk me down the aisle.  I want him to know my kids and my kids to know him!!  I don't want to tell them about this amazing man who isn't around any more just because he was too stubborn to go to the doctor 10 years ago.  I don't want to show them pictures and tell them stories.  I want them to KNOW him.

Fact is though the prognosis is not good.  At some point I'm going to have to say goodbye to my father....the idea of it kills me.  I wish I could just hold his hand and 'show' him everything I'm feeling.  So that he will know just how much I love and respect him.  So that he will know how much he means to me.  That the thought of losing him breaks my heart into a million pieces.  All I can do is cry while driving home after seeing him in so much pain.  All I can do is do the best for this company he has worked so hard to create.  All I can do is put on a brave face and tell him he's going to be ok.  All I can do is hide this sorrow and nagging feeling that the end is close by.  That this 'scare' is basically just a short reprieve to let us know that time is short and to make the most of it.  His day is coming and I feel it in the fibre of my being, just like I knew something was going to happen.  Just like I dreamt of my new dog every night for 2 weeks before I even know she existed. 

I hope that when it comes I will be able to pick myself up and do what needs to be done.  I hope that it won't break me like I'm expecting it too.